The ring came in the mail. It’s a really small ring. A really beautiful, really small ring. And it symbolizes so much fear for me. This is exactly how my life works: where other people find joy, I find fear. Where others go blindly, I open my eyes so wide that I am almost blinded by the scope of the experience. And so this small object, this symbol of eternal love and togetherness, blah blah blah, REALLY MAKES ME CONSIDER such things.
Getting married is really scary. It means that you are putting in your lot with someone else’s, hitching your wagons together and hoping it works out. My biggest fear is finances. I am currently the only breadwinner right now and I feel a huge crushing pressure and responsibility as a result of that. I do not understand how these 1950’s husbands dealt with it all. As I see it, I am the only one, right now, that can make anything good happen for our little family. I have to search out success and opportunities for us and maybe, if we are lucky, one of these ventures will go well and we will be SO happy and SO lucky.
I wish finances were easier. I have a couple of friends with trust-funds that are fat enough so they don’t have to work. I have other friends who have struck it big in comparison to any of my meager striking. I wonder how it feels. If it really is easier. If there is less worrying – less driving and crying. I have an amount in my head that is the magic amount that makes me believe I could stop worrying and life would be easy. Mortgage paid, bills paid, some savings. I don’t know if I will ever stop worrying that I’m not enough or we don’t have enough. I can’t imagine a life where I didn’t worry about such things.
Perhaps this blog will stretch out for years and track my successes and failures and my changing feelings around them. Maybe I’ll become a woman in these posts. I have a feeling though, I might just discover I already am a woman and have been one, albeit a flawed one, for some time. I am a homeowner. I am engaged. I have a job. I own a car. I have two dogs. I have so many dreams. I have so many fears. And today, I have an engagement ring. The first ritual object. It means nothing and everything. Watch out.